shame

your resounding voice

annoys me

along with

that black-haired woman’s

subtle judgments

is a fresh music to why i decided to be here

is not a challenge

to surrender to pressure

reputation tarnished

confidence questioned

unless the whole world is publicly watching my very world

but the question of friendships

haunts me to

engage the language of loneliness

because “you’ll walk by me and never know and

that’s what hurts the most”

is redeeming enough for me to keep resilient

seems a never-ending struggle

from my first and last love

the problem with males – including Him

a problem all my own, only recent

except when i ponder a kind of spiritual bliss [ignorance]

that makes life all the more

and less—simultaneously—as angels scream

for the weight of the world was not for you to bear

be close. Hold dear.

unyieldingly bent against my happiness

dissatisfying

and redeeming though i feel your scrutiny

stripping me of all my artificial self-knowledge

and entertaining to my other half

chronology

original text 12.13.2001

transferred 12.13.2001

personal notes

on what i feel right now
amidst counseling, loneliness,
finals, fatigue, and faith.

the lost flying poet
12.23.2001